TomKat Woes

Many years from now, when Suri Cruise is doing research for her tell-all, she'll discover that the tabloids marked her momentous first birthday in the traditional way -- by dissecting her parents' conspiracy-surrounded coupling. "Her Painful Choice: No Way Out," trumpets the front of the latest Us Weekly. "In love with Tom, but confined by Scientology, a conflicted Katie struggles to find happiness." A mole alleges to the mag that a beleaguered Holmes was "offended" when Cruise suggested she take church-approved "mommy classes." Another supposed sticking point with the newlyweds: She's constantly surrounded by her hubby's fellow L. Ron Hubbard-devoted minions, with only BFF Victoria Beckham offering her "a link to the outside world." Huh. Star, meanwhile, goes for a more conventional approach, offering up a no-nonsense "Divorce!" headline and claiming a tearful Katie has had it up to her cold, dead eyeballs with her "critical" mother-in-law. Life & Style, on the other hand, exhales, "Finally! Tom's Side of the Story," and delves into his purported fears over whether Katie is in love with him or what's left of his fame.